| Don't touch me! |
[Feb. 3rd, 2006|08:34 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  thirsty | ] |
| [ | Musik |
| | LoTR Soundtrack | ] |
Today I surprised myself. Maybe surprised isn't the right word. I shocked myself? But it was a very slow shock...A delayed shock, I guess you could say.
First, it's important to know this about me: I'm not a touchy feely kinda person. I avoid showing affection like the plague. Maybe because I'm emotionally illiterate or something and don't know how? I don't know, it's just the way it is with me.. Although I bet I could come up with a few solid theories based on my childhood, but that's a whole other story. Simply put, I just don't show intimacy towards others. I don't even hug my own family members! Which is probably not a good thing... I have no memory of ever hugging my sister, but I'm sure I must have hugged my parents when I was little. And kissing them? Forget about it. I don't think that ever happened. I physically isolate myself with a maximum level protective radius, motion detection grid, proximity alarms, cat-like evasive maneuvers, the whole shebang. Except I hug my grandma and that's only because she initiates it with this special "I'm old and I'm about to cry that your leaving for another two years and I may die before you see me again so hug me" look in her eyes. And I can't refuse that. So if someone want's to hug me, I'll usually give in and put up with the awkwardness of it, because I don't feel that I'm a very good hugger anyway. My arms tend to go every which way and get tangled somehow. Plus, I'm really tall and for some reason always end up getting my arms stuck underneath the other person's so that I'm kinda lifting them by accident, and that never feels right. But there have been many times where I simply ran away from a hug, really. And I've insulted many a folk, cute girls even, by doing that. But they don't understand me. I never initiate any kind of physical affection towards anyone, ever. That's just me. I hate that about me, but I live with it knowing I'll get better one day. So with that said, here's today's shocking surprise story.
I work at a coffee shop and my co-worker/friend Kim came in to pick up her paycheck. And I really like her. I don't know why, I just do. Definitely not in an intimate way and definitely no physical attraction, although she is kind of cute I guess. I think I just like to work with her because she makes me laugh and we have a lot of fun together, a lot in common and she let's me witness to her constantly, haha. Anyway, we got to talking, and Kim was really upset because other employees who haven't worked for the company as long as her are getting more hours even though she has open availability, whereas the other girls are in school. And to add insult to injury: she's always said she'd never work at another store except ours, then she got "volunteered" to help out at our mall kiosk since they're low on employees. She's been there for a few weeks now and it's a crappy place to work because mall shoppers are mean and don't tip, it's always super busy, the kiosk is very small and difficult to share with even one person, let alone two or three, and when you run out of something you have to walk a long ways to the storage locker. It's also a longer drive for her. So the situation she's in is understandably crappy and unfair. Plus, she has no money, her phone got shut off, her lease is up at the end of the month, and things are just not stable for her right now. So as she was talking and saying how much she missed all of us, I had pity on her and could tell she was feeling rejected, because I could feel it just by listening to her words. And it made me feel terrible, because I hate rejection. It's a disgusting feeling that's left me with many bad memories. So I was listening to her and thinking of something nice to say...and then all of a sudden I was hugging her. "......!!....??," I remember thinking, "hugging??" Yes. Me. But spontaneously. It was like I had to, I needed to, and it felt right and good to do so. It was an urge, and it came so sudden, that I had no time to think about it. Something compelled me to do it as if I had no control over it. I was simply hugging her, right there in the doorway to the back room. I never hug, ever, never, ever, not for no reason, never, no, nope, I don't do that, but I did. And verily, because this was no fake hug like the ones I've forced myself to return to people, full of awkwardness and discomfort. No sir, it was me, I, who seized Kim, and seized Kim I did; pulling her towards me until I had her completely, head on hers, and for what seemed like an eternity. And there was no thought nor desire of letting go. I could feel this hug coming from my insides. I was spilling emotion.
Then the voices of two ladies came from the counter, who I hadn't been aware of standing there watching us connected in the doorway. One of them jokingly said, "OK, stop hugging her and get back to work." And I immediately let go of her, as if their words released me from some kinda spell. Maybe I was just startled because I didn't know they were standing there and I'm really big on never ignoring customers? But I really felt strange afterwards, as if I didn't have control of what just happened, and getting back the reins, well, I didn't know what to do with them, what to say to Kim, what to do and where to go next. I kind of just wandered away quietly trying not to look uncomfortable, which I had suddenly become. I was thinking about the hug, and have been ever since. It kind of bothers me now. But to Kim, to the girl I was working with, to the customers who saw it, it seemed like no big deal I'm sure. But to me.. This is a day I won't soon forget. It was a big deal. This was the most uncharacteristic thing I've ever done in my entire life. Yet it came so naturally. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2006|07:17 pm] |
I think I have an air pocket behind my left eye. It's bugging the heck out of me. Every time I rub it, I can hear and feel a crackling sound, which is addicting to make (kinda like bubble wrap) so I keep rubbing it, which can't be good.
Last nite I procrastinated to the very last minute with two paintings that I've been working on the past four days that were due today. I got them in, yeah sure, but I was stressing out all the 6 weeks that I wasn't doing them; because I hate to paint. I dreaded having to do them. Instead of doing them right away and feeling relaxed knowing I had it done, I kept thinking about it for 6 weeks knowing that I'd do it in the very last minute. Which I did. And once they were done, I felt no relief, because it was already to late for relief. I had already stressed out for 6 whole weeks thinking I'd run out of time. I'm such a knucklehead. I need to work on my laziness. I hate it. I hate being lazy, but I'm too lazy to do anything about it at the moment. Oh boy.
I have a No. 4 talk coming up. My first ever. I hope I don't wait till the last minute with that. I don't think I will though, because I'm kinda excited about it. It's on a topic that I'm all too familiar with: violent video games. Good thing I stopped playing them before I was given this assignment. Ha. Or I'd be facing a seriously guilty conscience. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 10th, 2006|12:44 am] |
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I'm so busy, I just wanna sell everything. Too much crap. Too many distractions. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 7th, 2006|05:31 pm] |
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Today I got baptized as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. |
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| It was sick... |
[Dec. 31st, 2005|11:09 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  good | ] |
| [ | Musik |
| | Arcade Fire - Haiti | ] |
Goodness! The scariest thing happened to me at work today! I went to the bathroom, looked down and thought my bellybutton was bleeding!! But then it just turned out to be a ton of red lint hanging down in the shape of smeared blood. Still freaked me out though... Yeah and now people are shooting fireworks off outside my window. Idiots!! Anyway, me and a friend were wondering if that's even possible. Sure would be scary. But is the bellybutton really connected to anything anymore? I was explaining to him that I made mine bleed once. Self inflicted though, not some freak internal bellybutton failure where it decided to spontaneously open up and release one's inards. No, this was just a little breaking of the skin because there was some serious itchage going on. And I was engaged in some serious scratching because I have no self control. Yeah, just thought I'd share. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 27th, 2005|11:09 pm] |
| [ | Musik |
| | The Chemical Brothers - The Big Jump | ] |
Need to stop grinding my teeth.
Need to stop cracking my knuckles.
Need to stop pulling my hair.
Need to start to stop these things among others.
Hmph, ha, yah. |
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| What's to say? |
[Dec. 25th, 2005|12:53 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | Musik |
| | John Murphy - Frank's Death - Soldiers (Requiem In D Minor) | ] |
Nothing and everything. I'll start with nothing. The weather is fantastic for December. It's 44 degress out! I'm wearing my second favorite shirt right now. I'm pondering a certain coincendence this past semester. I'm wondering how much longer until I can start calling this the "old system". In that regard, I'm wondering how to avoid playing with fire when fire so badly wants to play with me. GRR. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2005|11:55 pm] |
| [ | Musik |
| | Howard Shore - Shelob's Lair | ] |
It's so rare that anyone ever gets mad at me, that when they do, I'm never the same around them, ever, ever again. I need to figure this out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2005|01:00 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | Musik |
| | Interpol - Leif Erikson | ] |
Got off work, wanted to go to bed quick. Decided I really liked the CD I was listening to, so I kept driving. Almost went to the bar but then I remembered that I decided not to go anymore on my own or with old friends. So I drove around Cleveland for an hour and a half. My face broke out with hives tonite. I don't know why either. Has never happened to me before. Ever. Hope it's not these delicious french toast muffins I've been eating all nite. |
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| Family! |
[Oct. 23rd, 2005|08:41 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | Musik |
| | Sondre Lerche - It's Over | ] |
All my life I've envied those who have big families. Aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents. Besides my parents and my sister, it's my grandma who lives in Germany and my father's cousin (whatever that is to me) who lives in Canada. Both of whom I only see once every couple years. My parents are very old and I know we have relatives scattered all across the globe, but none that I know or could possibly relate to in any way. A few months ago though, my father told me I had a half-sister and he found her using some people search thingy. Well, my parents just got back from vacation and they visted her and her family on the way. I really wish I coulda gone with them, but at least they brought back pictures. I can't stop looking at them! I have a 4 year old nephew who I hear is a crazy one just like I was. I also have a very pretty 14 year old neice who looks just like me. Anyway, I can't wait to go down to NJ and meet all of them!!
And I'm sane again. Was fighting a weakness for a day and a nite. A weakness for companionship. Almost made my mind up to get involved. Tried justifying it even. Serious mind battle went on. Don't think I've ever experienced the like. What a test! But I prevailed. Should be easier the next time around. There always is a next time. |
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dinnertablejail's journal